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For canonites with no sense of humor, Memory Alpha has created a so-called article on Data.

Data the hebot

Lieutenant Commander Data was a "fully functional" hebot constructed for the pornographic industry by the playboy king Noonien Soong in 2338. Sadly, he did not live up to hopes, and was tossed into a trash heap by Soong, allowing him to go on to the fembot project and start his own pornographic film called "Datalore".

Early LifeEdit

Several years later (nobody cares how long), Data was found by a bunch of Starfleet trash collectors. When they turned him back on, Data was first told why he'd been thrown away by Soong. It was at this point that Data decided to become the best hebot he could be, and for some reason becoming more human was the way to go.

The trash collectors led him to believe that Starfleet was a homoerotic club, and he was tricked into joining up. He spent the next 25 or so years as a trash collector. He paid special attention to any sex toys he found, as he thought they could help him in his quest. Eventually, he was found by the cruise ship Enterprise. It was here that he met his long-time friend, the ship's coolie, Geordi LaForge.

Joining the EnterpriseEdit


Data's Chinese snort stick

Trusting his new friend, Geordi, Data told him of his quest to become more human (so as to be a better hebot). Geordi introduced Data to a wonderful substance to help him on his way, crack. When Data hesitated, Geordi told him that "all the cool humans do it".

Escapades on the CruiseEdit


"I hear you are 'fully functional'"


"Why yes, I am"

While on one of his crack-induced highs, Data let slip how "fully functional" he was. This turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to him, as the women on the cruise ship had gotten tired of that S.O.B. William T. Riker. From then on, Data spent most of his time either high, or being attacked by the female passengers. His first experience was with cruise ship cop (kind of like a motel cop) named Tasha Yar. She had contracted a virus that made her go through porn-fuck, and was scaring the crap out of the men on the ship. In the end, she felt that none of them were "man enough" to please her, and she went for Data.

Some time later, Data got the dumb idea that getting into a "relationship" might help him become more human. Riker, Geordi, Wesley, Worf, Picard, and others tried to tell him how stupid he was, but Data thought they were just being assholes. Data selected Jenna D'Sora as his girlfriend. Again, all the men on the ship tried to tell him how much of an idiot he was, but he still didn't listen. Data did all the things he thought good guys should do, flowers, music, etc. After a few weeks, Data thought it would be time to get some "action", but was refused. He learned how much of a bitch all women are from this.

Jenna D'Sora

You ain't getting nothing! The flowers sucked, and the ballet was Russian!

Data the pimp

Don't you be touchin' the merchandise!

Having learned from his mistake of getting into "real relationships", Data returned to his quest of becoming a better hebot. Data looked through the history of Earth, and found that among the most successful people in the "industry" were a group of people known as "pimps". He set out on a mission to become the cruise ship's "pimp". With Tasha Yar's passing, after claiming "there were no WMDs in that thar oil", Data was left with Beverly Crusher and Deanna Troi to be his "hoes", but they were more than willing, since Data was so "legendary". Data became well-known for "beating down" anyone who got late on their payments, or who "touched his girls" without paying at all. Riker was a frequent victim, as was horny Wesley 'Betty Sue' Crusher who constantly had sex with both Deanna Troillop and his mother. This stopped when young Crusher agreed to become Data's toyboy.

He sure knows how to handle the ladies, eh!

A few years later, the cruise ship Enterprise was destroyed by Deanna Troi, who went insane and crashed the ship after Data refused to be her boyfriend. Data attributed his dumping of Troi to his newfound love of alcohol, after discovering in Ten Forward a few days earlier the joys of consuming copius amounts of booze from Forcas III.

The Borg Queen FiascoEdit

At some point of history, the Borg Queen decided that perfection also includes the perfect sex, so she (or them, or it) looked for the perfect lover, and finaly found Data. She, knowing from the experience of billions of assimilated men and women that all the "relationship stuff" Data had tried to master sucked, skipped the "flowers and compliments phase" and simply grabbed him and the whole ship.

By that time, Data had had no sex for 8 years, 7 months, 16 days, 4 minutes and 22 seconds. (You have read that Data got all the chicks some lines above, and now you are wondering, how it is possible, that Data was abstinent for this long time? The answer is simple: Time travel! Still waiting to hear a lucid explanation? Stop thinking in three-dimensional terms, and continue reading!)

But the whole "Borg Queen affair" should become a terrible fiasco for Data. "It" lasted only a fraction of a second. Data later tried talking his way out of it by saying something like "This is a pretty long time for an android.", but his story ruined his good reputation. (Don't try to be a great man, just be a man!)