Enterprise

Apocryphal segments censored.

Is that the Enterprise or a cheap ripoff?

Enterprise was the only starship that ever existed. Originally capable of warp five, it could go warp thirteen by the time of its final refit. Of course, the ship never really existed, hence why it was part of the NX class (Non-eXistant class). In actuality, this fake ship was nothing more than a part of William T. Riker and Deanna Troi's sick fantasies in the Holodeck aboard the Enterprise. (ENT: "These Were Never The Voyages...")

The Enterprise (that's right, I said the Enterprise, what of it?) was supposedly the first ship capable of traveling at warp five, which was special because that meant it could travel faster than warp four point nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine. Launched in 2151 and captained by Jonathan Archer, the ship was responsible for making first contact with a number of species nobody would ever hear from again and many they shouldn't have made contact with in the first place, such as the Borg and Ferengi. Later, it was found that Archer had actually stolen the credit from Jean-Luc Picard.

The ship's first mission was to deliver a male Klingon space hooker to his pimp. The hooker's clients, the Suliban, kidnapped the hooker and demanded their money back due to "services unserved". They gave the hooker back when Hoshi Sato offered to render those services in his place. (ENT: "Broken... hehehe.... Bow")

The average day in the Enterprise mess hall.

Enterprise was destroyed in 2161 when hundreds of rabid fanatics stormed the ship and tore it apart piece by piece. The exact reason for this act was unknown, although errant subspace messages picked up something about a "horrible series finale". (ENT: "These Are the Voyages, My Ass!") All records of this version of Enterprise were subsequently erased from history, except in the aforementioned twisted holoprogram mentioned above.

Although it took nearly a century, Starfleet ultimately gathered all the pieces of the destroyed Enterprise, rebuilt it and renamed it The Enterprise, then kicked it out of spacedock with a schmuck named Robert April in command. Since this Enterprise was pieced together using wire hangers, duct tape, and chewing gum, she ended up resembling something from a low-budget 1960s TV show. This "upgraded" ship was launched in 2245 but it immediately fell apart at the seams. The ship was rebuilt, this time using self-sealing stem bolts in place of chewing gum, and the ship was relaunched under the command of Christopher Trout in 2251, although it still looked like something from a 20th century model kit.

Whoosh!

At this time, Enterprise became a Starship class vehicle from the other end of the galaxy. The first vessel of the 17th series of ships commissioned by Starfleet, she was the first with warp drive. This means that she predates herself, the USS Bonaventure, the SS Valiant and Cochrane's Phoenix. Don't try to think about it, you'll just hurt yourself.

Measuring between four hundred fifty and nine hundred feet (or 300 yards), depending on the season, the Enterprise can attain warp lots speeds and maintain them either indefinitely or for only a few more seconds before she will blow up. Originally designed to house of crew of 203, a bitter intergalactic war forced Starfleet to double the occupancy, but without adding even one head to the ship.

Speaks for itself.

All crew accomodations and compartments are designed with a 36 degree offset from the centerline, including the bridge.

Virtually all of the ship's spaces are devoted to the engine room, which spans several decks. Although there appears to be a plethora of briefing rooms and lounges, there is very little space for transporters or shuttle craft, even though the hangar deck takes up a third of the ship's total volume.

Enterprise is enormously massive (about a million gross tons, per TOS: Here's Mudd In Your Eye!) and is constantly in danger of falling into the gravity well of any planet it orbits.

It's a wonder the ship flies at all, and not at all surprising that James T. Kirk destroyed her over the Exodus Planet in 2285.

Captains of [the] Enterprise

1. Your Mom
2. Jonathan Archer
3. Gollum Kleptomaniac stoleaway
4. Chewbacca (First Wookie) Wait a second...
5. John Connor Officer of Renegade Robot Control
6. Nero
7. Horatio Hornblower
8. Ward Bond
9. Lloyd Bridges
10. Jack Lord
11. Robert M. April
12. Christopher Trout
13. Benjamin Franklin Pierce
14. James R. Kirk
15. Matt Decker
16. James R. Krik
17. Jose Mendez
18. Lucille Ball
19. Douglas S. Cramer
20. "Bull" Halsey
21. Randolph Scott
22. Uncle Albert
23. Chester W. Cincpac
24. Robert L. Comsol
25. Me, I'm the Captain of the Enterprise
26. George S. Patton
27. William Bligh
28. Jack Aubrey
29. Mario - Only red shirt that survived until the ship fell apart
30. Uhura
31. Mary Worth
32. Kevin Thomas Riley
33. Janet Lester
34. The Cast of "Cats"
35. Jack Bauer
36. James Earl Carter
37. Chuck Trotter
38. Alan Del Beccio
39. Priceline Negotiator
40. Garry Marshall
41. Irwin Allen
42. Rachel Garrett
43. That Guy From "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
44. Prof. John Robinson
45. Rusty Meek
46. Hal Sutherland
47. Marc Daniels
48. Joseph Pevney
49. Frank Poole
50. Jonas Grumby
51. Hikaru Sulu
52. Napoleon Solo
53. Leslie
54. Peter Kirk
55. Edward Jellico
56. Commander James Bond, HMRNR
57. Snoopy
58. James Winter
59. Gene L. Coon
60. Captain Barney Miller
61. Captain Oveur
62. Captain Rex Kramer
63. Captain Buck Murdock
64. Ambassador Robert Fox
65. Galactic High Commissioner Ferris
66. Commodore Stocker
67. Tim Thomason, Lit.D.
68. Enzo Aquarius, FaS, PhD
69. Captain Cameron Beckett
70. Chuck Norris

Deck Plan of the Enterprise

• Deck 1: Bridge;
• Deck 2: POW Brig (Note that Deck 2 is approximately 3 miles below Deck 1 (TOS: "The Pueblo Incident");
• Deck 4: Transporter Room (1) and Briefing Rooms (562);
• Deck 5: Living Quarters, Sickbay;
• Decks 6-24: Engineering and Hangar Deck.

Crew Complement

• 1 Captain
• 1 Science/Executive Officer
• 1 Chief Medical Officer
• 1 Chief Engineer
• 3 Bridge Officers
• 1 Nurse
• 422 generic officers and crew with no obvious work to do or much to say who press random buttons, are dumb enough to wear redshirts and get killed off randomly, and people who don't pay attention to stuff they should be.

Deuterocanonical

Life is but a dream.

There was never a starship Enterprise. She was actually part of the Tommy Westphall universe. PROOF: Tommy was played by Chad Allen, who played "Jono" in the TNG ep "Suddenly HUGH-MON". har har har

New Crew, New Ship

Yes, we know about "the new movie" and it's only taken us four years to post a picture, just in time for the "Wrath of Khan" reboot. That's going to be a winner, too.

It doesn't even look right.