"If I beat the no-win scenario, I'll be a hero! They'll have to give me a ship!"

Memory Alpha logo.png
For canonites with no sense of humor, Memory Alpha has created a so-called article on James R. Kirk.

Pope James Ratzinger Kirk was a Starfleet officer in command of a starship. As a Mr. Midshipman Cadet, he gave in to temptation and cheated on an important examination at the Space Academy. Because of his perceived success in the simulator, he was graduated immediately and given command of the flag ship of the Federation.

Completely ashamed by his poor performance, he attempted to resign his commission. Starfleet, still operating under the "Peter Principle", decided instead to allow Kirk to change his middle name to the somewhat improbable "Tiberius" and then passed him off as the youngest and best Starfleet captain in the history of the Federation.


Kirk of Remus, trying to persuade Scotty of him being James R. Kirk.

There are two clones of Kirk, both evil and both incompetent. First of thiese two is his evil clone James R. Krik. Honestly, he was cloned accidentally, but Kirk's other clone was part of a big (and evil) plan.

Kirk of Remus was created by the Romulans for the initial purpose of replacing Kirk with a Romulan operative. His task was to steal the Enterprise's revolutionary new warp drive which allowed the ship to travel by warp lots. Unfortunately for the Romulans Kirk of Remus looked like a Romulan and so was useless. (TOS: "The Enterprise Incident" or "The Enemy Within", who knows)

Captain Kirk was overplayed by William Shatner.
To our luck he was quite certainly never played by Matthew McConaughey.

External Reference[]

A funnier --or at least longer-- article on Our Favorite Captain

The Main Guys in order of Coolness

Bauer | Picard | Archer | Sisko | Kirk | Trout