Funny, he looks French...

Jean-Luc Picard was a British chap who pretended to be a French guy because he thought it would help boost his career. Unfortunately, he was right, but only because the people at Starfleet Command are idiots. He soon became the captain of a really big, revamped version of Enterprise and was so giddy about his cushy assignment that he completely forgot he was supposed to be a Frenchman and kept using a British accent. His crew either didn't notice, didn't care, or decided they would use it as "dirt" later.

Picard's real name is John Luck Pickerd. Born in England in 2317, Pickerd changed his name and place of birth in 2323; he also changed his year of birth to 2305. He did this for two reasons: one, he knew even at the age of six that "chicks dig older men." And two, he wanted to enter Starfleet Academy. He had applied for the Academy in 2322 but was rejected as he was only five years old. After changing his age, he re-applied the following year and was accepted, despite the fact that he looked a little young for an eighteen year old. Regardless, the minimum age for admittance in the Academy was eight so Picard was well qualified.


Yup, definitely French.

Unfortunately, Picard's plan to woo the ladies with his Frenchiness backfired when an ill-fated attempt to grow more underarm hair resulted in a loss in head hair: Picard was going bald! Picard became so depressed that he considered suicide; word of this got back to the Romulan Empire, who, believing that Picard would one day bring about the complete destruction of the Federation, cloned the fake Frenchman and intended to replace the real fake Frenchman with the fake fake Frenchman when the real fake Frenchman killed himself. After the most popular girl at the Academy gave Picard a pity f***, however, bald men suddenly became a fad. With Picard's spirits lifted, the Romulans abandoned their plans and sent Picard's clone packing to Remus. There, he became known as Shinzon (Reman for "worthless villain").

Dang it, he's SO french!

Picard is also widely reknowned for his intense levels of SWAG, which are OVER NINE THOUSAND.

The Main Guys in order of Coolness

Bauer | Picard | Archer | Sisko | Kirk | Trout