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For canonites with no sense of humor, Memory Alpha has created a so-called article on Jonathan Archer.
Scary Archer

Crazy as a bag of hamsters.

Jonathan Archer was everybody's hero, especially his own. He not only commanded Earth's first warp 5 starship, but he looked cool while doing it. His father was famed gynecologist Henry Archer.

Early lifeEdit

When Archer was very little, his father took him hunting with a bow and arrow, despite the advancement of more suitable weaponry, like guns and "Profit and Lace". While hunting, Archer broke his little bow and his father laughed so hard that he contracted Clarke's Disease and died. Thirty years later, Jonathan Archer would be reminded of this event when a giant, mutant Klingon ironically crash-landed in Broken Bow, Oklahoma. (ENT: "Broken Bow", "Cold Station 12")

After failed attempts to become a ballerina and a gigolo, Archer ultimately entered flight school on a veterinary scholarship. On the day before he left for flight school, he asked his dead father what would happen if he would fail. Being dead, Henry Archer didn't say much in reply, but Jonny's mother screamed and told her son to take his father back to the cemetery. (ENT: "Daedalus")

Throughout the first forty years of his life, Archer did not care for Vulcans too much since they didn't like water polo.


Archer was the captain of the NX class Enterprise, although he desperately wanted command of the SS Clitoris (who doesn't?). He brought with him his faithful companion, Porthos, a bug-eyed creature who referred to Archer as "master" and loved cheese so much that he called it his "precious".

During his time aboard Enterprise, Archer got to walk around a lot of corridors but didn't really accomplish anything; he just looked cool. A Vulcan named T'Pol did all the work; Archer took all the credit, though, because he just looked so damn cool. The Xindi thought he was so cool that they canceled their destruction of Earth, because Archer said that wouldn't be cool. Xindi-Reptilian leader Dolim thought he was cooler, though, and didn't think Humans were cool at all. Archer proved him wrong by using his coolness to blow up Dolim and his Death Star. (ENT: "Cooldown", "Zero Hour")

Throughout his career on Enterprise. he had to often work wtih the 31st Century Temporal agent Daniels, in efforts to prevent guys like the Suliban and Xindi from destroying Earth, and preventing the United Federation of Planets from ever existing.

Archer was so cool that Surak himself wanted to share his coolness, but when his katra entered Archer's mind, Surak was so traumatized by what he saw that he was scarred for afterlife. (ENT: "Kir'Shara")

Archer's coolness ended in 2161 when Enterprise was destroyed by Trip Tucker's dumbass attempt at faking his own death. With the news that Archer was dead and wouldn't be giving a speech at the ceremony for the founding of the United Coalition Alliance That Would Give Birth To The Federation of Planets, everyone cheered and the signing of the Federation Charter went off without a hitch. (ENT: "These Were the Voyages...")

But Archer didn't die: he was sent forward in time to the 29th century, where he became an evil Future Guy attempting to prevent Enterprise's mission from succeeding to prevent getting blown up and sent to the future, thus preventing him from becoming the evil Future Guy and thus preventing him from preventing him from becoming the evil Future Guy, thus preventing him from preventing him from preventing him from becoming the evil Future Guy, thus preventing him from preventing him from preventing him from preventing him from being the evil Future Guy, thus... you know what, he doesn't succeed, so just don't worry about it. (ENT: "Shockwave").

He awoke to find himself in the past, suffering from partial amnesia and facing a mirror image that was not his own. Fortunately, contact with his own time was maintained through brain-wave transmissions with Future Guy, the project observer, who appeared in the form of a hologram that only Archer can see and hear. Trapped in the past, Archer finds himself leaping from life to life, put things right that once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next Leap will be the Leap home.

Archer did ultimately succeed in returning to his own time, however, and in '69, through some sorts of unspecified "favors," Archer was able to bribe his way to become the personal "Ambassador" to General Thy'lek Shran. From this post, he slept his way up to the Presidency of the Federation. (from a screen in ENT: "In a Mirror, Darkly" that only I can read)

The Main Guys in order of Coolness

Bauer | Picard | Archer | Sisko | Kirk | Trout